Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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