im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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