Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
