if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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