I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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