Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
