i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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