Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
