I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
