i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
