Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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