Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
