if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Randomize
