I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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