Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
