I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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