Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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