White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i think im in europe. pls send help
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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