i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
