I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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