I don't usually arrange sex via text message
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
