i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
