my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
