Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
