my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
