Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
