Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
