Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
