kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
