I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
