just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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