He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
