I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
