I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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