I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
