Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
