It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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