How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
