What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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