he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
please don't ironically join a cult
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