I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
