my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize