Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize