that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
