Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
