its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
