genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
