The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
