Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
