to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
