I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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