I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
