my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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