He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
