This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
a search helicopter?!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
