great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
what day is it and did you see me today?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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