He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
